Famous

Everyone wants to be famous. Living in the society that we do in the USA, where someone could move here poor and make a name for themselves, or grasp their 15 minutes of fame by participating in a reality TV show, helps make this possible. In one of the student ministry classes i took, we discussed how a lot of adolescents today not only want to be famous, but expect it to happen to them with very little work. They think that they can audition for American Idol, or get drafted in the NBA right out of high school, and instantly see fame and fortune come there way. My professor asked us how we can encourage their dreams while grounding them in reality.

It's tough to set an example, though, because i'm coming to realize more and more that i feel the same way. No, i'm not a good singer...and definitely not an athlete by any means. But i still desire fame. i want people to think, "Melaina's an amazing __________." i desire people's good perceptions of me so much, that often i want to be amazing at everything. And if i think that i can't really be good at something, i'll eventually give up, thinking that must not be my "thing" and i move on to try something else.

This bleeds over into ministry too, i'm embarrassed to admit. Whenever i have the opportunity to teach or lead in a Christian ministry setting, i get really nervous. Partly because of the gravity of the situation...i take sharing the Gospel very seriously and don't want to ever accidentally lead someone astray because of some loosey-goosey thing i said. But a large reason i get nervous is because i worry that people will think i didn't do a "good" job. They'll think i'm not a good speaker, or Bible study leader, or mentor...and they'll be disappointed. This would be bad enough if that was all, but unfortunately the flip side of the coin also occurs. Accompanying this nervousness when presented with an opportunity to lead is also a desire for fame. As much as i'm afraid to be thought of as a "bad ___________," i also really desire to be a "good __________." Just as Simon the Sorcerer attempted to buy the power of the Holy Spirit from the apostles (Acts 8:18-19), i try to wield the power of God for my own human glory and fame.

i've stated before that i'm trying to be more thankful for God's presence in my life. And it's at times like this that i am so thankful for the Holy Spirit's illumination on the dark areas of my heart...for God's forgiveness...and for His willingness to use me in spite of myself.

This desire for fame feeds into my blog too, and there is part of me that tells myself that if i post a post such as this, people will think i'm too serious...or weird...or too spiritual, and stop reading. That may be true. But i want to be as honest as i can here, and sometimes it may be a little messy. i think i owe myself and you that.